chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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Becoming anti

I'm rereading JM's book today. I just needed some help to remind myself what I need to do and why I'm doing it. I think that's the difference between how she dealt with all of this and how most people do. I think I'm more of the type that just puts my head down, puts one foot in front of the other, and weathers the storm. She actually had hope, goals, and plans in mind. Sometimes I forget that I'm doing all of this for a reason. It just feels like this difficult life that I can't fix, enjoy, or change. I need to change my attitude. I'm not sure how to do that, though.
Yesterday Luis tried to feed her a bite of pizza and I snatched it out of his hand. I made him read the part where JM's husband fed their son a milkshake so he would see how he's sabotaging everything I'm doing, but he just got all pissy and butt hurt and defensive. I don't know how I'm going to be able to live with him when I feel like he's getting in my way. All he talks about is his work and when he's home, most of the time, he's sleeping. I can't expect any help from him, but since this responsibility should be both of ours, I can see myself hating his fucking guts in the very near future.
I need to find a way to live in harmony. I just don't know how to get him to do what I need him to do and that's the problem. Like for instance how he'll just sleep in the middle of the living room floor instead of in our bedroom. Why? Then he's in my way, in her way, and pissing me off again. But I feel like everything's like that. Yesterday he said, "Didn't I just go get her the right kind of milk?" And I'm thinking so hard about how that is such a minor thing compared to what I have done--like realizing which milk was the right one.
Also, there is a chance that the referral I got from the doctor yesterday won't be good enough to get us on the list. I never knew that was a possibility. I hope to God that everytime I try to accomplish something I won't have to bettle Luis and the rest of the medical community all at the same time.
I can't be a baby about all this, but I just wish there was someone on my side.
I will say, though, that I honestly believe this dairy-free thing is working. Her stomach seems less swollen and she's been saying, "One, two" a lot today, instead of just all gibberish. I'm going to order her some detox vitamins and tomorrow schedule her a follow-up for some bloodwork with her doctor. I need to find out about her mercury levels and yeast and also whether or not she's difficient in any vitamins or minerals. Fun!

3:19 p.m. - 2007-10-23
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