chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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\"It\"

I found out soon after that last entry why I wasn't losing any weight. I was so pissed off, because I had been perfect for a month and I lost nothing! Usually I would've lost like fifteen at least. But I'm pregnant, and pregnant women don't typically lose weight nomatter what diet they're on. Yesterday I ate fried rice and chicken fried steak with mashed potatoes. So yeah, I guess I'm not on the Atkins anymore. But now I weigh 200 lbs. and that really sucks. I'm four months pregnant and I already gained 15. But I haven't gained anything in the last month, so that's something. I'm also getting vericose veined grandma legs--which is really gross--but I ordered these socks that are supposed to help (and they'd better, since 3 pair cost me $65!), so we'll see. I'm using a lot of cocoa butter lotions and old lady creams to try and prevent stretch marks, but I don't think it's going to help, because I'm kind of already prone to getting them. Ugh.
So far my thighs and belly seem to be growing at the same rate of speed, which is horrible and unacceptable, so I'm going to switch my workouts to the treadmill and bike. All of the workouts I've done up until now are no longer safe to do. Neat. And also I'm not supposed to get overheated. So any real workout is kind of out. I'm just going to have to go more for endurance than aerobic, I guess.
I feel all freaked out. My life is not really ready for a baby, and I wasn't mentally prepared to be having one, so it's all sort of shocking. My feet hurt all the time, so working really sucks, and my sex drive seems to have disappeared, which really freaks me out and obviously my husband as well. It's just so hard to imagine that my life as I have known it is so totally over.
People keep saying to me that I won't have any more fun and won't spend any more money on myself and all this stupid shit that I know isn't true. There is no way I'm going to let this baby ruin my life. I want to be part of a couple that has a baby, not part of a baby and that's it. I don't want my baby to feel like work or an obligation, so I don't plan to let that happen. I'm not going to spend all my money on toys it doesn't need or fancy decorations that it doesn't notice or care about. I'm going to be practical. Seriously. And I will go on my cruise! Maybe next April when the baby's 6 mo.
I want to be happy and I don't see why being a parent has to make everyone so miserable, but they all keep doing it and complaining about it. It drives me crazy. Also I'm not going to spend my time bragging about my kid either. I think all that shit is stupid. I just want to have my kid's life at home be good, fun, happy, and safe. I'm just not sure how to go about making the rest of it's life that way (it'll be nice, next month, when I find out what "it" is, so I can stop calling the baby "it").
But there are many things my baby has going for it that I never had and some of these are:
I am 29, not 20.
I love my husband, and he loves me.
I have a good job and so does he.
I do not live in a trailer.
We both want to be good parents.
We both really like kids.

Ok. So these are some added bonuses in my kid's life that I didn't start out with. Also, my husband won't beat them and then drop out of the picture either. Good stuff! I think my kid is really lucky to have us for parents. I hope "it" agrees.

12:37 p.m. - 2005-04-17
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