chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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My Fairytale Ending

I miss Luis. I just got so excited about him coming home that I feel let down because he's not here. I'm wierd. I'm just so glad that we're finally going to be together and see how it feels to be married. I just want a life with him. I hate how easily it might not happen. There are people who wanted the same and definately aren't getting it--and not because they got the chance to fuck it all up themselves. Poor everybody. Life shouldn't suck this much. Once you finally find someone to really, actually love you, you should just get to be with them. It seems like it's so hard to get there, that should have to be the end of the ordeal. You shouldn't have to have them die or whatever. It's not fair. I hate how life isn't fair. I never really got used to the idea that it's not supposed to be.
I'm getting everything all ready now. I'm putting all my clothes away and making everything look as nice as I can. I don't know what it's like for him. Part of him is happy, but part of him, I think, feels left out. In a normal day I just wouldn't be out buying stuff without him. But I don't have a choice and I don't really do anything else. I've tried to make it feel good in here because I am stuck here so much. I know that he'll like everything, though. I know what he likes.
We had been having these sort of problems lately. Everybody was feeling sort of claustrophobic and awful and miserable and worried. I think it was because we were both getting used to living without each other and getting tired of it at the same time. But now that September has started, I think things have gotten better. It's easier when you can see the finish line. Well, God knows I sure hope I can. Some people thought they could and they were wrong. I don't want to be one of them.
Now everything's going good again and we are both remembering why we like each other and love each other and why we got married in the first place. It's nice, and it's nice to talk about all the stuff we're going to get to do together when he gets home. The stuff we talk about is funny, too. It's like, "Oh yay, we can stay home and watch movies!" It's dorky, but it really seems like a bonus. Of course we get to have sex too. Sex is nice. I miss it. Well, I miss him. I can't really separate it in my mind anymore. It's just easy for me not to have sex, because he's not here. I haven't even thought about it. I also haven't put myself into situations that would tempt me or cause me to have to choose not to.
I like being a good wife. I like how he trusts me and, when he's not being crazy, how he knows that everything is ok. I like knowing that he doesn't really doubt me. And I like being worthy of all that. I kind of got all corrupted and whatever after H and I'm glad to see that the me that I was before has come back pretty easily. I started to be afraid of being good and right. Everything always ended up so bad, and it always feels worse if you were doing all the right stuff--then it really is just you. Undeniably. Ouch.
But not anymore. Everything is great. My husband loves me. I am safe. It's okay to be good. I can love him as much as I want. And when he gets home we will live happily ever after....

10:44 p.m. - 2004-09-22
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