chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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Forboding

I'm waiting for Luis. It's funny, because I'm really starting to freak out. I mean he's coming home soom--for good. And then I will really be married. For the rest of my life. To him. I am an us now. Wierd. I think I really somehow expected to end up alone or at least to end up a serial monogomist. I don't think (after H) that I expeceted to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. And it's funny, because after we got married, we spent two weeks together, so in a way, this has actually felt more normal to me than the idea of day-to-day.

Imagine waking up next to the same person for the rest of your life. Or imagine expecting to and having them ruin it--I've already been down that road. This is really freaking me out. I don't want to be committed to anyone. I don't want to need anyone. I don't want to depend on anyone. This is horrible. I am an idiot. I know better than what I have done.

I hate the idea of depending on someone else for my happiness. I mean, I know I'd be ok on my own and everything, but I've agreed to spend the rest of my life letting this person control me (at least 50% of me). Everything I do and think about for the rest of my life, I'm expected to share with someone else. Not only that, but I'm expected to believe that they are doing the same. Oh god. Why do people get married?????? I don't believe in anyone, really--not even myself. What makes me think I can keep his interest for the next 50 years? I am getting very stressed out over this.

The truth is, I've gotten used to being on my own, depending on myself. I have proven to myself and everyone else that I can do it on my own. I don't know if I can let all that go. I don't know if I can ever need someone else again. I know how it feels to believe that I cannot live or breathe without someone. How horrible is that?? I don't want to feel that way anymore. Anyway, he's here online now, so I'll finish my creepy thoughts later...

11:19 p.m. - 2004-09-04
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