chalice26's Diaryland Diary


ecstacy and torment, what's the difference??

So we have this thing. This thing that is sort of monumental and unimportant at the same time. Here is my boyfriend/fiance, whatever, surviving Iraq and here is me potentially and hopefully surviving the impending strike--unemployment, instability, etc. And both of us trying to maintain some sense of a normal relationship. Yes, there are phone calls and e-mails (which beats the shit out of Afghanistan), but there is a sense of everybody holding back and leaving things out in order to, in his case protect national security, and in my case to lower his stress level. The last thing he needs is to worry about me when he should be thinking solely of protecting himself. And then there are the normal relationship issues that everyone has, and while these clearly need to be dealt with, there's a huge sense of guilt that comes with addressing them in a conversation you know full well could be your last. But then, there's that chance that you could be connecting in a way that you never would if you were constantly face to face and taking every single fucking easy thing in the world for granted--as most couples do--and should, in my opinion. There's definately a strong and unrelenting need for closeness and contact in a totally nonphysical way that occurs at times like these. But I have noticed that the pressure and urgency grows with every deployment--especially, in this case, considering the violence and devastation is increasing along with it.

And I would like what everyone would like: security, safety, sex. But none of that is being offered at the time being and I have to wonder about military spouses and their dedication to living a life that is so outside of what people are supposedly looking for in a relationship. But I do get one thing fundamentally: I wouldn't give him up for someone more constant and something more guaranteed. So maybe I'm one of them, after all.

4:09 p.m. - 2004-04-26

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