chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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Fucking pickles!

Last night was really strange. I almost got off easy, actually. Not having to make a decision like this would be really great, but then everything worked out (and that could be considered a bad thing--sort of), so I'm still in the middle of the pickle. July 4th should be the most interesting day of my life--and frightening and disturbing. I'm going to try to do an objective comparison:

#1:

honest........shallow

safe............insecure

in love.........unmotivated

genuine.........not toohot

tall............judgemental

funny...........passive/aggressive

#2

beautiful.......young

intense.........crazy

intelligent.....foreign

self-aware......short

motivated

secure

fun

complimentary

friend

Well, hey, I did my best anyway. I don't know for sure what really matters to me. I mean, I was with H for so long that I never really thought much about it. I wanted him--whatever that was, I was willing to accept. Now I want what I want...I just don't know what matters to me. I think I should live life to the fullest, jump and see where I land, but that's not really me. And besides, I did that once and look where it got me! Plus, there's the age factor and I do want to get married and have kids--soon. But is it better to be with someone you could love for the rest of your life and live with in relative comfort? Or is it better to be with someone you could fall in love with and have the most amazing sex of your life with who could potentially not be there in the future? I can't even say for sure if I'm willing to risk it again. Being in love for real is really fucking scary--having too much to lose, and so much potential to get hurt. With one, I don't even have to worry about any of that. Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am fucked...

4:45 p.m. - 2003-06-28
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