chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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Scary stuff!

My boyfriend has officially dropped off the planet. I haven't gotten any e-mails from him since the eighth, and he hasn't called me in three days. If he was any other guy I would think something shady must be going on, but since it's him I'm mostly just worried. I at least get a message every day and normally they keep coming until we get to talk--which is usually an hour a day. This is freaking me the fuck out! I mean, here we are doing great, in spite of time and distance, and we get to week ten of being apart and he what? Disappeared? Gave up? Met someone? Hmm. Well, needless to say I'm feeling all fucked up and part of me just wants to go out and show him that I do not need this. I could totally get on with everything pretty easily. I mean, obviously just on the surface, but regardless, if I'm just going to sit around all the time trying to hold on to something by myself again, I might as well just get back with H. Ugh.

So tonight it's back to me painting the town black. Ha ha. Well, hey. Hopefully I just hear from him soon, because all this anxiety is really affecting my sanity. And when I feel neglected, I tend to lash out and fuck things up on purpose, just so I don't feel like a stupid ass who just got fucked. I'd far rather fuck than be fucked. I've learned a lot about all that in the past couple years. I'm kind of a bitch about it now, and I don't plan to change. No one is ever going to fuck me again. At least not without getting something in return!

11:29 p.m. - 2003-04-18
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