chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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A blast from the past

Last night I was sitting around watching t.v. and there was a knock on the door. It was H. I hadn't seen him since I found out about the baby, so it was pretty shocking. I'm not even sure why he came over. But my friends had all warned me not to let him in my house, so I grabbed my smokes and we went down to the parking lot. At first it was very strange, because he was really doing his getting me back routine, but he's living with his pregnant girlfriend, so that was quite odd. He told me that he doesn't really feel anything for her, and he told her he's still in love with me. Apparently he's very honest with her, which totally pisses me off. He said he doesn't even really like having sex with her, but all of this sounds really cheesy now that I'm thinking about it. I really don't know what he came over for, but we both finally agreed on one thing--that I needed more than he gave me. He told me that he misses me and that he loves me more than once, but I didn't say anything like that to him, because I felt like it wouldn't be fair to Paul. He kept bringing up this conversation we had when we were teenagers where we promised that if we broke up we'd end up being those people who find each other later in life, but I told him that once was enough. I think there really is something he misses about me, and if it's just the sex, then that's pretty sad, but if it's more than that, then that's even worse, because if it wasn't for this baby that he's having, I'm sure I would be wobbling a little. But that's just stupid, because I don't think he'll ever be faithfull or giving or caring or honest or up front, and I can't handle that. Whatever he wants from me he isn't getting it, and so maybe he'll be one of those people who spends all his life looking for what he gave away. I hope not, because I don't want that for him.

I finally told him about Paul and he was pretty shocked at first and started to get pissed off for a second, but then I think he realized how hypocritical that was, and then he toned it down. He said that I need to not ever feel like he's (Paul) not all about me and if I do I should stop. He claims that even when I didn't feel like it, H was all about me, and he couldn't take the pressure I put on him to show it. But Paul doesn't need any pressure, because he is a very empathetic person, and he wants to make me happy, so I shouldn't ever have a reason to feel like I don't matter. And anyway, I already told Paul the second I feel like I don't matter, I'm walking out the door. I'm not going to stand around and be mistreated anymore. H may have convinced himself that everything was fine, but I know that it wasn't.

Anyway, there was never any getting past it all when we were together, so now that he's having this baby all of this really does not matter. I'm safe from myself now, because I know that I won't ever go back.

My future is what matters now--not H.

11:10 a.m. - 2003-04-01
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