chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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Uh, okay. Whatever.

Yesterday I spent all day, well at least six hours, playing pool and drinking. We played on the big table and by the end of the night I felt so confident about every shot that I never expected to miss any. I love that feeling. When Kristin was injured the summer before last, we played a lot of pool and actually got pretty good. But just like with everything, if you don't use it, you lose it, and then I would be shooting and thinking, "Once upon a time I would have made this shot without even thinking about it and now I can't even figure out where to hit the ball." For the first hour and a half we were just basically moving the balls around on the table, but eventually it all came back and it was great. My best game was the one where I ran six balls in a row. It was beautiful. Beautiful!

I've been all depressed and ridiculously overwhelmed by everything and I just started falling apart and I've been drinking every night and eating whatever and not caring about any of it, but last night Kristin said, "Why don't you just fly down there? Tomorrow." And I really wanted to, but when I talked to Paul he said next week would be better and then he found out that a ticket with like six lay overs would be like $900. So that's out, but just the fact that I tried to have an impact on my situation made me feel better. I woke up today feeling like a different person. I want to do the right things and quit fucking everything up. There's no reason for me to be such a lame ass when everything in my life is actually fine. Or would be if I would quit fucking it up. So from now on I am:

not drinking

not complaining

not cheating on my diet

not being lazy

not wasting time

not acting stupid

Okay. Good. When Paul comes home we are getting married, and no matter what happens after that, I will get through it, because I have to, and because I wouldn't give him up even if it would be easier at times. And if we both survive the next three years, we will have the rest of our lives to forget about all of the pain, lonliness, and worry of this time in our lives. Someday the war will be over and hopefully we both get to see that.

11:47 a.m. - 2003-03-27
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