chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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Blahness and Mountains

Well, we knew it couldn't really last, didn't we? All that perfection was bound to get boring. And nothing really happened. Really. It was just a slight feeling, indistinct but profound.

Normally, well if anything that's been going on for such a short time can be given so much stock, everything is very mutual--the reaching for hands, the leaning in for kisses, the meeting of eyes, and all of the constant little physical contacts that embody a Perfect Relationship. Well, not this weekend. Subtle differences really. Maybe nothing, maybe not. When, if this were a sport, we would have seen me offering more on every level, and we would consider me to be losing. What is normally a tie is now Paul 23, Me 4.

The real question is: is this okay? And if it is okay, and completely has nothing to do with me, then why will he not share with me what it is?

People have ideas:

He is trying to distance himself in anticipation of his departure as we have, in the recent past, become "too close" and that makes leaving harder.

He is worried that he feels too much for me and maybe I will fuck him over.

He is afraid of his feelings.

Something having nothing at all to do with me is going on in his life and he wants to deal with it all masculine-like.

Sure, notice how it's like psychics--they never tell you the bad news. For instance:

He is tired of me and realizes that he saw something in the beginning that is not there.

He met someone new and is torn between pursuing this and that.

He doesn't love me and all my obvious adoration makes him queasy.

He doesn't think I'm as sexy as he used to.

Okay, enough. Whatever it is, my friends obviously are not as morbid as I am and therefore I tend to want to view things from their perspectives. As I'm sure they are much less nervous and high strung as I am!

I have this feeling that he won't call me tonight because he's tired of me. Wait, I thought I said enough ALREADY!!

Well, apparently the moral of this story is: Watch me while I make a mountain out of a molehill. I hope...

1:03 a.m. - 2003-02-01
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