chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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The end of a life

Last night I found out that H has a new girlfriend. People would say that I should've expected it or I shouldn't care, but none of that is true. I seriously believed he was just young and tired of the commitment way of life. I figured if I let him walk in and out of my life, eventually he would realize that being with me was what he really wanted. And, yes, I know that makes me a stupid fucking bitch, but that's what I thought. I honestly never really considered the possibility that it was me he wanted to get rid of. And the fact that neither of us ever moved on made it seem easy to believe, but now he has a girlfriend, so obviously commitment in general is not the problem.

I am seriously torn up now and nothing even seems worth doing anymore. I don't know, after all I've gone through because of him, why I even care (and neither does anyone else), but I do, and to me this is a shocking new development. I'm finding it extremely hard to deal with the idea that forever is going to be minus him. I know that I must have never seriously considered that possibility.

The problems with this that I have are these:

He taught me to love, both physically and emotionally.

He is the only person I've ever seen that I knew I would willingly and easily sacrifice every other person in the world for.

He really is a great person who knows how to be happy and make life seem fun.

I've loved him since I was 19 and I don't think I have ever loved anyone as much.

My entire life has revolved around him.

His dad is the only dad I've ever had.

He's going to marry someone else and have her babies.

I will never be with him again.

I am empty.

10:18 p.m. - 2002-12-11
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