chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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Babydoll, boobies, and buttery nipples

Last night I was watching The Usual Suspects and the phone rang. I didn't check the ID box, because I thought it would be Julie or Amy, but it was H. He said, "I got some mail for you. I'll bring it over." At this point I hadn't even had a shower, so I said, "Actually I'm in the middle of something. Could you give me an hour?" After I got out of the shower my mom called and I told her what was going on.

He told me he was going back to school and he said when he made his money he would take care of me and I said, "Yeah, when you were 16 I could see your future earning potential, and that's the reason I stayed with you for seven years--the money." Eventually he said he loved me and thought about me all the time and I told him he loved me out of habit and that the fact that he doesn't want me in his life proves that his love is of limited value to me.

He got angry and said that when we live together we piss each other off all the time, even when we don't mean to--like now. And I said, "Oh, I'm sorry I'm doing that thing again. That thing that you seem to despise above all things--talking." So I proceeded to tell him that looking at him just reminds me that I failed, made a mistake, and was wrong and that I didn't want to look at him anymore. And that was it.

I feel bad about it, but I know he doesn't want to be with me and I have to give up and while I'm giving up I am no longer willing to listen to him tell me that I am not worth being around. It is easy for me to believe in my value as a person when I am not confronted with his opinion of me. I told him that he sees me as a negative in his life and I can't stand that. And I can't. And I don't have to do it anymore. So I am free. Goody.

After all that I went Downtown with my friend Nina and her boyfriend. We had a lot of fun, but I think I got too drunk at some point to think rationally about what I was saying, so I might not have been the best company right there at the end. Who knows? I think I need to rehermitize myself for a while.

Today I am officially cheating on my diet, so I will treat myself to pasta, rice, potatoes, and an eggnog latte. Yay!

2:38 p.m. - 2002-11-24
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