chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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H

Today I saw H. He came to see me because he was worried about me. The reason he was worried is because last night I left messages that were very dramatic and desperate on his voice mail.

He told me that he "had my back" and he hoped I knew if I needed anything I could just call. And I said that I obviously did know that, and so that was why I called. He asked if he could come over after work so we could "talk." And I said he could. I got off work at 11:30 and now it's 12:26 and no sign of him. Hmmm. I wonder what that means.

All I've been doing lately is thinking about him, and I know it has a lot to do with this time of year. We got together and I had my first kiss on December 2, 1995. I had sex for the first time on Dec. 16th. My birthday is December 22nd, and everyone knows when Christmas is. So, basically I'm trying to say that, in all honesty, I've always associated this time of year with when my life really began (in 1995). And also, I feel that it was the best time of my life--full of beginnings and opportunities. Hope. Love. Future. Pleasure.

I need to stop. Really. I always say that, but it's so true. I just miss everything so much that it's too hard sometimes. I hate an empty life. I hate to waste time. I hate to feel left out. I hate to not move on. I hate to want.

And he's not here. Even though I know that he wanted to come because he knew I was feeling vulnerable, and he knew he could get laid, I'm still really torn up and saddened by the fact that he's not here--which in itself proves that I'm a fool.

I am sad.

12:26 a.m. - 2002-11-13
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