chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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To be or not to be...that is the question...

I haven't went out in one week. The only drinking I've done is when I twice had wine after dinner. Tomorrow the apt. people are coming in to inspect my smoke detector. And I know for a fact that it works fine, since it goes off every time I cook anything. So I put it somewhere, and couldn't find it, and I was really worried that they would come in, see the wires hanging loosely from the ceiling, and kick me out. But I discovered it by chance under some old bills on my table. Thank God. The sad thing is I have to wake up early so they won't catch me in bed, and since I don't work until five, I was hoping to sleep in. Bastards.

I'm going out to lunch with Julie tomorrow, and then after work I'm going home again. I'm enjoying it. I'm a lot less tired, and I'm never hung-over. It's a totally different feeling waking up when you don't drink as opposed to when you do. Like my post-binging anxiety attacts. Nonexistent. Yay.

The more I go out, the more I find myself feeling that if I don't I will miss, or miss out on, something. I hate that. I sort of makes me feel desperate. Blah. I'm getting to the point where I could totally see myself getting sober for real, and in a way that's scary, because I'm already turning into some kind of hermit. But I've been really getting my diet back together and I started working out again--all the things I didn't have the time or energy to focus on before.

I was sober for 20 years, so it stands to reason it should be more natural for me, as I've only been drinking for seven and only full-time for like four or five.

If I quit drinking, or at least cut back to a normal quantity of social drinking, I will be a different person. How crazy is that to think? But I will. Lately I find myself not being as crazy, goofy, and obnoxious as I usually am. I feel more mature or sedate, and I don't necessarily really like it.

All my life I was quiet, meek, shy, and careful, and drinking totally transformed me. Now I'm totally spunky, even when I'm not drinking, and no one in their right mind would describe me as quiet or shy. I don't know if I want to go back. I mean, I don't think I was happy that way. I don't want to be boring.

I am, like always, rather exaggerating things. After all, I've only been a hermit for one week, and I probably still have residual alcohol floating around somewhere near that organ of mine that once resembled a liver.

I should probably reflect on this at a later date, when I have confirmed that it's an issue, instead of freaking out over that fact that nobody called today, not even telemarketers--but I still can't help thing of it as a sign of things to come.

12:42 a.m. - 2002-11-19
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