chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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love...or something like it

Last night I was really mean to Julie. The truth is actually that I said, for the first time, what I think, instead of what a "good friend" would say. I should have been supportive, but instead I was honest. This is why it's really very hard to be a friend. Does she really need to face reality? Especially since she never seems to on her own? And of course, is it my job to point it out?

So I'm going to explain the situation and therefore reinforce the idea that, while I did do the wrong thing, I was actually totally justified, and can show how she might even be better off now.

Julie has never been in love. She's dating a forty year old workaholic. Approximately two times a week he gets off work about one or two in the morning and goes to her house. They eat something, watch a movie, have sex, and then go to sleep. The rest of the week they talk on the phone between two and four times, and mostly spend their time trying to figure out how they are going to see each other. But it's always at night and always at her house. She doesn't go out to dinner with him or over to his house. Their entire relationship is confined to a few early morning hours in her apt.

Lately she has been saying things like, "I know if I got pregnant he would be a good father." And, "I want to know if he just wants me as a girlfriend, or if he wants to marry me." This is all scary to me. She doesn't know him at all. She hasn't met his family, or went anywhere with him, or spent any actual time with him.

I hate that she is going to try to make a lifetime out of this. It's crazy. They've never even said, "I love you." Although she claims to love him, and believes that he loves her too. And it makes me cringe. If that is love, then it is the emptiest, least worthwhile love I have ever encountered.

I know it has a lot to do with the fact that she's not close with her family and hasn't been in love before. She really has no concept of how great it can be. I know that she has never sacrificed herself for another person and that no one ever has for her. She has no idea how powerful love can be. Even the love I have for my brothers has a bigger impact on my life than her supposed boyfriend has on hers.

I don't want to turn out like her. I know that I'm getting older and that my options are becoming limited, but I definately do not want to get so desperate or frustrated or lonely, that I would stoop to the level of falling for whoever and creating a "love" out of nothing.

I would rather be alone, and I will be even more thankful than before (because of her) that life has given me people to love, who love me, and who actually have some impact on my life. I'm not sure if it is a gift, but if it is, then I have been lucky. But I like to think that I have given as much as I've gotten, and so therefore I at least deserve it.

2:48 p.m. - 2002-11-09
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