chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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Mumbo Jumbo

I was reading over my last entry and I realized how little a person's sexual experience actually reflects their relationship experience. I mean, no where does it show that there is a five year gap between the first time I had sex with Number 1, and the first time I had sex with number 2. And that up until last night Number one was my most recent sexual partner. Or that only about two of my sexual encounters started out intentionally (having nothing to do with alcohol, I mean). Or that I was 19 and 11 months the first time I had sex.

I'm not really sure why any of this matters. I just feel like my sexual experiences don't seem to reflect my intentions, on any level. I never had sex or a relationship in high school, because I felt that it would be really awful to break up and the next day see him holding hands with another girl. Or be talked about with his friends (not that that doesn't happen in your twenties, but at least you're most likely not to be directly confronted with it). And I wanted it to be "special." So I fell in love and my first time was just as awful as everyone elses, because I was totally drunk and don't remember much but the pain. Ouch.

Seven years later (almost), I can see that things (obviously) didn't turn out how I planned, but I can honestly say they almost did. I did after all spend the majority of my life with my first love, and that is rare in itself.

What I think I'd like now is something not so built up, and something not so low (as in the other seven). Like the one that recently got away. Somebody real and honest and not a complete asshole (although, with regards to J,that one can be debated at this point). I still have this feeling, though, in spite of everything, that we'll end up together eventually, and I would really like that.

I don't think I could be with someone who had already been in love, which I know is selfish, since I have (am). But I don't want someone with baggage. I just want a guy who's had a lot of girls and a lot of experiences, so that maybe he can settle down for a moment and actually focus some attention on me.

I'm always falling for guys who have way too much shit on their plates, and way to much living left to do. Not, obviously that I'm implying that a guy would stop living if he was with me, but maybe he could stay focused on me for a moment if he was a little more...something.

But maybe I should bail myself out of the twenties pool, and shoot for the guys in their thirties. But then if I do that there are soooo many more things to worry about and deal with. Like EX-WIVES and KIDS. I want to have a kid with a guy who doesn't already have some. These days, and at my age, that seems to be a lot to ask, but I'm hopeful.

And why does any of this matter anyway? I honestly don't have the answer to that.

6:53 p.m. - 2002-10-18
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