chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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Morbid and Despondent

I was sitting here, trying to wind down from work enough to fall asleep, and I just got this overwhelming sense of lonliness. I feel so sad, because everything I wanted turned out so differently than I expected. I can remember when we promised to die together, so that neither of us would ever have to be without the other, and how he said that even after our bodies died, he wanted them to keep his and my eyes in jars so we could always look at each other. And we would have all these, "Would you still love me if...?" conversations. And it was so fun and funny and interesting and special. Nothing else in life really can compare to feeling that way about someone. It all seems random and kinda pointless (not in a suicide-note kind of way, more like directionless, I guess) to me now.

I have this horrible fear that I will spend the rest of my life just trucking along, investing myself in whatever, and I will look back when I'm eighty and say I never really felt alive after 26. That I never really felt anything after him.

I wish that there was some way I could just believe in us again, and that I knew when he was calling it was because his life was half-empty without me. And once he would have, but now he calls for some other reason, usually I think just for sex, and when he looks at me it still feels like it did when him looking at me meant something.

I remember thinking last year that sex was not the same without "I love you's," but the real truth is that it's not the same without tomorrows--even with him. Something's missing now. And I would almost rather have nothing, than have half of something I used to have all of.

I know I need to move past this, and so I have numbed myself--even where he's concerned. I never really even got good at keeping my distance from him. The only time I ever even did was when he wasn't speaking to me. Even though I believe that my life will be less without him, I know I have to try to move on and forget him, or forget my feelings, because right now, with things as they are I know that there is no reason even to hope for things to work out, and I know that even though he's kind of back in the picture, that's not what he wants.

So I will wake up tomorrow and go back to being the me that doesn't think about this, and everything will be okay.

12:53 a.m. - 2002-10-11
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