chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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hooray for new memory and professional installation

The things that I know that I know (whether I act accordingly or not):

1)He does not want to be with me

2)He enjoys having sex with me

3)He is completely satisfied with a life that does not include me

4)He is going to disappear again

The things I suspect:

1)He is having sex with me to prevent himself from accidentally having sex with someone else out of pure sexual frustration

2)When he finds someone to have sex with, who's company he enjoys (probably a pierced up tattoed groupie) he will forget he ever knew me

3)I will never, ever stop going through this, because I'm an idiot I know that after seven years (almost) and many of these types of encounters I should have learned something, and I always say that I won't go back. This time I meant that I would make him promise me things, but I haven't. Twice he has fixed my computer, and once offered to take me out to dinner. And I am screwed. I need to believe in him and I don't know why. I would honestly rather be alone than feel tortured and stupid, but I can't seem to ever just say, "I'm done," and mean it. Somehow in the back of my mind I keep thinking that it'll work out somehow. But it's always been him that gives up, quits, and runs away, and I have no doubt it'll be him again this time--when I'm least expecting it.

11:56 a.m. - 2002-10-04
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