chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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Extremely conscious of impending failure

Everything is becoming torturous. I feel like my entire life has been choreographed by someone other than me and now I have no director. Having choices disturbs me. I'd rather go along with someone elses idea of the right answer. So now I have this whole huge life in front of me, staring me in the face, and I'm just treading water. I really don't know how to figure out what I want and go get it. Everything I've accomplished, I have worked for, but not because I chose it. I can't figure out what to do next. I know that I have to do something different, because there's no logic in spending my whole life doing what I'm doing now. I would never have anything, and I would always have to struggle to get by.

Being alone is interesting, but I don't think I'm really cut out for it. Which is ironic, considering when I lived at home I never left my room! I need to make a list of shoulds (because I can't think up a whole list of want to's). Here goes:

I should get a college education--while I'm poor enough to get loans, etc. And for all the other obvious reasons...

I should take up a hobby or learn some type of hobby-like skill (bass guitar, scarf knitting, etc.) I literally have no talent and no hobby-like skills. I read, but only rarely, anything that could actually be considered literary

I should stop saying "or whatever", as it makes me sound unsure of what I mean to say, which is rarely the case anyway

I should work out, because I need to lose 25 lbs. in order to be thin and that is my goal, and for all the other obvious reasons...

I should quit smoking, and therefore drinking, as it causes me to smoke more

Okay, that is already too long a list, and since I have so many problems with making decisions, will last me for some years to come, I think. Oh, and I shouldn't say "I think" as it, too, makes me sound unsure of what I mean to say. And I shouldn't say "anyway" as it makes me sound like even I think what I am saying is to uninteresting to continue saying, which is bad, right? Just kidding...

12:36 a.m. - 2002-09-13
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