chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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Pathetic

I guess I'm finally to the point where I'm going to attempt to use this diary for something. I feel the need to vent or rant and rave and so, because I really don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this, I guess I'm hoping that talking everything out with myself will be beneficial. So here goes: I haven't done anything in quite a while that I consider worthwhile or proactive. I believe myself to be basically independent, confident, self-satisfied, but lately I've been acting needy, depressed, and insecure.

I've been putting all of this awful burden on my friends to reassure me, and lately everytime I go out drinking I end up fighting with someone and crying like a baby. I'm actually so nervous now to even drink, that it takes me like two hours to finish two drinks and then I get a little loose and I think I'm okay, so I have like four more in one hour, and then everything sucks and I act like a complete loser. I'm honestly getting to the point where I can't understand anyone wanting to be around me. I don't want to be this way and I can't figure out what's wrong.

I don't think I have a very clear understanding of myself. I guess, I don't come across to people the way I mean to or I'm starting to think I'm not the person I think I am. Whenever I try to discribe myself in any way positively, people disagree with me, and that scares me. I always find myself believing whatever people say about me, and even people who like me and try to compliment me always sound to me like they're veiling insults. Like my friends discribe me as having strong opinions as if it's a positive, but I can tell it's more like something they overlook because they are my friends. And I think of myself as generous, but nobody seems to agree with that...hmm..well whatever, but I really am! What I really want to do is figure out why I feel so anti me and fix it. So okay, here is a short list of my failings as a person and general personal negatives:

1)20 lbs. overweight, and generally not trying to change it

2)needy and depressed (lately) and not sure how to change it

3)not productive, and not inspired to be

4)boring, uneducated, and lacking in social skills

5)incapable of accepting that I'm alone and single for the first time ever

6)blah..........

But to tell the truth, I've been my own worst critic. I know what needs to change, but I choose not to do anything. I'm to afraid of change to accomplish anything and that is what's held me back since I was a kid. And it is not working anymore, not that it necessarily ever has, but I was going to try to make a list of positives and I couldn't, so maybe there is some truth in my being a negative person. This could also be pms, but it's been going on for a long time, so I'm not sure.

I just feel like even the people I love are determined to bring me down and not allow me to feel good about myself, but actually if the things they say are true, maybe I have nothing to feel good about!

11:35 p.m. - 2002-08-15
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