chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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Dealing with it

I really don't know what is going on with me lately. I feel dissatisfied and unusually angry lately. Maybe it's a delayed grief response. I don't know, but I do know that it's very annoying. I haven't been accomplishing anything or striving toward anything in a long time. This will go down in history as my (hopefully) fattest and most pointless year ever.
My baby is pretty much being taken care of by strangers now and that basically frees me up to sleep a lot more. Woo hoo...I'm so defunked and obsolete. Fat and lame. Sad and dejected. Pointless and horrifying.
Yep. I have started trying to emulate a wife again. The things I know that wives do that I don't are:
put out
cook
clean
smile
listen
etc.
Recently I started cooking again. Also, I've been cleaning and trying to take care of things without asking for help all the time. It gets to be a habit when you're physically handicapped and then, when you aren't, you forget that you are fully capable. I don't feel fully capable.
I took myself off of the Vicodin after I had the Dr. reduce the dosage, but about two weeks later I got another bottle. I find it difficult to stand any amount of pain now that I'm used to not feeling it. But three days ago I took my last one and have been managing much better this time. I still want to refill it, though.
The lame thing about addiction that they always tell you and that you can't understand until you see it for yourself is that you try to get back a feeling that doesn't come back. Once you're hooked, you're basically taking it to avoid OTHER awful things (like headaches, tension, etc.--not trying to get high. It's bizarre. Lucky for me, I never let myself take too many, so I never got too hooked. I am still in pain, though. But I'm just going to tough it out this time.
I've been realizing that I have just been sort of trying to get away from my life and nomatter what I do to myself, my life is always still right there. So, I'm going to start dealing with it and fixing it instead of just trying to block it out!
It's so hard when you finally open your eyes and look around at everything and realize what a fucking loser you've let yourself become...
I'm thankful that I have the time and opportunity to get it all back. It could be a lot worse!

9:36 p.m. - 2008-11-14
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