chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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I'm tired of stupid

Yesterday I called Mom right after I took a whole 750 thinking I could handle whatever she said if I was on drugs, but as usual, I was wrong. I haven't been calling her, because every time I do, something stupid happens. I'm tired of stupid. Yesterday was all about how she bought a house in San Diego and John is going to live in it and do the upgrades, so free, basically. Well, that's super cool! I wish someone would buy me a house in San Diego, but then I'm not John, so I don't know why I continue to compare us. Needless to say, I am even more tired of, and annoyed by them than I was before.
A few years ago, John said that he was tired of Mom. He didn't want to have her everywhere he went and have to plan everything around her. I was like, "Well, you wanted her, so she's been yours." And so he asked me to take her back. I was fine about it, and he pretty much dropped out of the picture for the last couple of years, and she was all about me and my little family. She was talking about buying property HERE then...but this summer she goes, "You weren't really expecting me to live there were you?" Which is so funny, because she was the one who was always so sad that she was a couple years from retiring and couldn't help us out more. Whatever...
I just can't help but want to kill them for basically making it clear that my hardships and my daughters challenges do not a fun future make. It's better to hang out with easy-going, job-quitting neurotypicals in San Diego!!! Right. I mean, I'm sure it is.
I don't think I ever got that feeling that everyone was rallying...nope. Nobody cares. Nobody wants to help me or even hang out with me and take some of this off me. Not even my own fucking mother. What a cunt!!!
I'm so tired of hating everyone. I hate Luis all the time lately too. I don't know if it's just that being in pain makes me bitchy, or PMS or what, but I just about can't stand anybody anymore.
Whatever
I'm just going to go take more drugs and finish organizing the living room. It looks so good. All the pictures are hung now and so it's just random rearranging paraphernalia. But the bookcase I have in there is a lighter finish than my other one, so I'm probably going to swap them out so there's more contrast between it and the wall.
I think I might call in today...

12:29 p.m. - 2008-08-28
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