chalice26's Diaryland Diary

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Ridiculous Surprise

I have a habit of not really wanting to talk about anything that's bothering me when it's bothering me. After I get over it a little bit, then I talk about it.
So, now I can finally talk a little about my vacation. It basically sucked ass. Some of it was ok, but I didn't get a lot of rest and I was ganged up on by quite a few family members and I came home kinda wishing I was an orphan. Seriously.
Ugh...I guess I still can't really talk about it, but the point is that my family is disrespectful and Luis' family is worse and we are no longer going to waste our (very) hard-earned money visiting these evil fucking psychos!!!
Here are some of the high (low) lights:

1)Luis' dad asked him if there aren't any hot Mexican Chicks where we live...

2)His mom said, "I don't want to offend you but..." (yeah) and said she bought me some new weight loss gimick...which I don't have, by the way, so I guess she was being full of shit--big surprise there!

3)Every time I talked to John about anything he said, "How did you know about that?" Uh, duh, you told me, Stupid Ass. (this apparently is meant to infer that he doesn't really want to have discussed the major points of his life with me.)

4)John got pissed off at me for some dumb joke I made about him and he and Mom (our ride) left me sitting by the pool at the resort minus my room key.

5)I was very drunk, so I called my cousin Becky and she and Luis went to John's and picked up all of our crap and we rented a hotel room for our last night instead of staying with him.

6)The ironic thing is that he stayed with us that night and hung out with me and everything was fine. Mom had apparently left Vegas while he was at work and when she called she said, "I wish I was there..."

7)Mom and I were in the process of making my daughter a shirt...yeah.

Anyway, it was totally drama central and I don't need anymore drama in my life--especially not this kind. When I got home Mom sent me the half-finished shirt and a card that said something about "I hope you know how much you're loved," and I was thinking that the half-finished shirt said a lot more than the card, really. She said that she hoped I would be able to find someone to sew it or get ahold of a sewing machine to finish it myself before she outgrew it. I would laugh, but I can't seem to. And even though I'm barely even speaking to her right now, she still has had the nerve to be critical of Luis and ask me about that fucking shirt on the phone.
I'm not really talking to John much now either. I mean, it was Luis and I that spent the thousands of dollars to come down to see them (again) and he acted like a baby and I have come to terms with the fact that when Mom chooses him over me, he's not necessarily oblivious to this fact, and might actually be doing some of it on purpose.
Now he's having a baby and Mom is getting investment property in San Diego, and I'm pretty sure that my daughter will no longer be the draw she once was. How much more fun is it to have a neurotypical grandkid that is close by?
I just realized recently that until she was born, Mom never came to visit me once unless John was here. Never. I'd been here like eight years when I had her. Super...
I just don't really care about any of it now. I'm 32 yrs. old and I'm not playing these fucking games anymore. Oh, I almost forgot the best part:
Last year in the summer sometime, I was telling Phillip that we were all giving him money that we couldn't afford to, and that I would like to maybe be actually paid back some of it, for once. Then I noticed that his ex-wife, who(m?) he was currently living with posted a very nasty headline on her myspace that was intended for Mom. I was so pissed off! So I told him that if it wasn't gone before Mom saw it then I would never speak to him again. He said that it wasn't his responsibility and what could he do about it? I told him that if Luis had done that he would certainly hold me responsible and that's because he'd be right to.
He took care of it, but he sent me a nasty message that said, "If I knew I was going to have to deal with this shit, (people asking to be appreciated, treated with respect and paid back) I would've just sucked dick in an alley. Neat! So I haven't spoken to him since then. I told everybody I wasn't speaking to him and I waited a couple of months before I told John why, but I never told Mom. I said that I wouldn't tell her unless he asked her for money. So when she was up here the day before Thanksgiving, he called and asked. So I told. I had her tell him that she couldn't afford it. It was pretty awesome, actually!
Anyway, last year Mom kinda started spoiling me. She gave me her car and a new camera and a bunch of stuff for my baby, and I really believed that it was because she wasn't sending Phillip money and realized that, because I'm not a shitbag, I don't ever really get anything from her. I thought that it took 31 years, but she had finally appreciated me--the fact that I helped her raise her kids, the fact that I never asked her for help, the fact that I opened my family up to her and made her feel like a part of it, and the fact that I called her every couple of days just to talk--not because I wanted anything.
WRONG
Yeah...wrong.
When we were at John's, found out that she was still giving Phillip money and I just pretty much went apeshit. I'm never going to get over the disappointment of that moment, but the truth is I set myself up for it. I mean, it's not like she told me any of the things I believed. I made it all up. And I'm not even that surprised. That's probably why I stayed with H for so long. I just make up signs of love where there aren't any. Sad...
Well, anyway, so that day that they got mad at me and ditched me was crazy. I was so fucked up and drunk and pissed off I hardly remember anything but screaming at her about how we couldn't even go anywhere because she jacked our carseat (which was true) and it was our last night to be "out" in Vegas and Luis and John had wanted to go to a buffet, but because of all this we couldn't really do anything. The next day Luis jogged to the rental car place to get us a car!
That morning I was trying to be apologetic about my part of everything and Luis was so pissed, because he thought that I was in the right and shouldn't be apologizing, and she got mad at me and said, "Fine. We'll just go back to you calling when you need money." Oh, my God! I was sooooo pissed off. I couldn't believe she would say such a shitty awful thing to me that wasn't even close to the truth. I was like, "How dare you! When have I EVER?!!"
And that was the moment that I was officially done with her. Although to be totally honest, I was pretty much done already because of that Phillip business. John's supposed to get married next summer and I guess that means I'll have to see all of them again, but I'm thinking that I mean it to be one of the last times. I don't want to waste all of our money hanging out with people who treat me worse than, well than anything.
So, now this diary's all caught up and basically things have been sucking pretty bad since we got home as well. I threw out my back about three weeks ago and my friend convinced me to go to the Dr. about a week ago. So I got a bunch of drugs and the Dr. also apologized about making me fat and prescribed me something to "increase my metabolism." I've actually taken it before and I know it works, but he put me on the smallest dose for the first month. After that he's going to increase it and leave me on it for 6-9 months. Yay!!!
We got the Wii fit and it's super fun and I love it. With my back all jacked up, I can't take full advantage of any form of exercize, but it's better than not doing anything. A lot of my super-fat pants are loose and even my regular-fat pants are starting to fit again. I guess that's good...
Luis and I are really starting to plan for our remodel and I'm about to start painting the bathrooms and the living room. I finally grew some balls somehow. Our yard looks really good, too. We planted a bunch of perennials this year and next month I want to do a bunch of bulbs.
So regular joe life is pretty good. It's all that peripheral stuff that's sucking.
I don't know what to think of it all, really. I mean, I've always battled against believing I was the piece of shit my family always made me feel like I was, and no matter what I have going on in my life (Autism, anyone?), they STILL won't cut me any fucking slack. What is up with that?!!! I mean, all they have to do is leave me alone and my life is pretty sad as it is, but that's isn't good enough for them if I have an ounce of self-esteem left. Why? I mean, why do they hate me so much?

9:14 p.m. - 2008-08-21
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